5 Completely Practical Uses For Honda’s 130 MPH Lawn Mower

The folks at Honda have made the thankless weekly task of mowing the lawn more harrowing and death-defying than ever with the “Mean Mower.”  The promotional video below doesn’t do this baby justice: the Mean Mower is capable of reaching speeds of up to 130 miles per hour.

Inevitably, some skeptics and downers will point out that’s too fast to cut grass (the mower needs to slow down to 15 miles per hour to actually mow).  They’ll call Honda’s backyard speedster things like “impractical,” “ridiculous,” or “wasteful.”  Suburban dads, don’t you dare listen to those naysayers; there are plenty of ways to be productive at those speeds:

1.  Own the Underground Suburban Racing Circuit.  After you tuck your kids in, you and your Mean Mower can take to the cul-de-sacs to participate in the cutthroat underground lawn mower races.  Bonus: If you can manage to get a good Tokyo drift going with that bad boy, just watch the jaws drop.  Double Bonus: If your neighbor gets a Mean Mower of his own, you can re-enact the light-cycle scene from Tron.

2.  GET OFF MY LAWN!  Whether it’s those little punk hooligans who Nerf-litter your lawn or the neighbor who doesn’t feel the need to pick up Fido’s messes, the screaming fury of your Mean Mower chasing them down the street will help establish a healthy respect for property rights.

3.  Bend Space and Time.  If you come up with the idea for a flux capacitor after a traumatic head injury, you already have a vehicle capable of going well past 88 miles per hour.  Once Honda comes up with a power source that can generate 1.21 gigawatts, you can buy a future Sports Almanac and start counting your money.

4.  Dominate the Renaissance Faire.  Who doth thou think is going to win a “friendly” joust - the weekend warrior in fake armor on a broken down nag or the guy tearing down the fairgrounds at 130 miles per hour?  This also works for street jousts - but it’s bad luck just seeing a thing like that.

5.  Make Summer Last.  Fact: You can make your summer vacation marginally longer by moving faster.  The closer you get to the speed of light,  the slower time passes.  It’s science.


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